Before I got pregnant I had this vision of how wonderful carrying a little human would be. I would lovingly sing lullabies to my cute baby bump every night and get to eat whatever I wanted without the usual guilt.
Well, I was completely delusional. Here are some things I’ve discovered about pregnancy that no one warns you about:
- Brushing your teeth will closely resemble the shower scene from Psycho.
- Everything about your husband will suddenly irritate you. The way he chews his food. The way he talks. The way he breathes. Everything!
- Your sense of smell will suddenly rival that of a wolf’s. At first you’ll marvel at your new super power. But then you’ll realise that you can smell the garbage two floors down. And the sweaty stranger across the room. And your colleague’s mouldy lunch that he forgot to clear from the fridge. Not to mention that a sharpened sense of smell and morning sickness clearly do not go well together.
- You will feel very much like a penguin as you waddle along.
- Your belly will look like a cone head whenever you try to sit up. Seriously, why did no one warn me about this? It freaked me out the first time it happened.
- It will feel like someone has grabbed your ribs and pried them apart. All while someone is trying to ninja kick their way out of you.
- You’ll no longer be able to see your feet and will have to rely on your husband to put your shoes on for you. He may even decide that it’s funny to put on two different shoes and send you off to work like that.
- You’ll start to cry over Cheerio commercials.
- After hours of tossing and turning in bed from the weight of your belly, you’ll eventually manage to fall asleep… only to be woken up by a leg cramp!
- Getting out the car suddenly becomes the most impossible task. To overcome this, your husband will have to push you out the passenger seat (after he spends a good few minutes snickering at your expense).
- And forget driving. You’ll have to push your seat so far back and down to accommodate your belly that you’ll barely be able to reach the pedals or see over the steering wheel. It will also take an absurd amount of time to try and buckle your seat belt.
- Children are fascinated with pregnant bellies. Snotty-nosed kids will come out of nowhere and inappropriately lift your shirt up to take a peek. While you’re attempting to surreptitiously bat them away, their parents will beam at them as though it were the sweetest thing.
- For that matter, adults are equally fascinated with pregnant women. Complete strangers will come up to you and give your belly a fondle.
- You will get angry at your husband for walking too fast and leaving you trailing behind. He will get irritated with you for slowing him down and may even rudely suggest that you stay at home next time because you’re cramping his style.
- Grocery shopping will have you feeling like you’ve run a marathon. You’ll pathetically cling onto a shopping cart the way an elderly lady hangs onto her walker for dear life.
- Pelvic pain is no joke. Your pregnancy pillow will become your best friend. So what if your husband is reduced to a tiny corner on the bed? Serves him right for getting you into this situation in the first place.
- Shaving down there becomes downright dangerous.
- You’ll suddenly find yourself empathising with all the upside down turtles of the world as you struggle to turn over in bed.
- You’re supposed to avoid unpasteurized cheeses, sushi, alcohol, excessive caffeine, undercooked meat, fish that have high levels of mercury, runny eggs and deli meat. In short, you’re expected to starve to death. Unless you’re able to survive on prenatal vitamins.
I’m a twin mommy who will make you feel better about your parenting skills. Sign up for e-mail updates at the bottom of this page if you want to follow my journey into insanity. You can also follow me on Facebook.