Kate Middleton

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Image from http://www.dailymail.co.uk

What the heck? Why does Kate Middelton look like she stepped off the runway less than twelve hours after giving birth to Charlotte?

As if it’s not enough that her face is perfectly made-up and her postpartum belly is barely noticeable under her cute Jenny Packham dress, but she’s strutting around in Jimmy Choo heels, for crying out loud. Even her perfectly curled hair manages to blow gently in the breeze. And she’s smiling throughout it all!

In contrast, I looked like a drug addict that had gotten into a fight with a werewolf after I gave birth.

  • My vagina felt like it had died a million deaths. (And in fact, so it had.)
  • I was exhausted.
  • My ankles looked like little pork chops.
  • My belly looked like a deflated hot air balloon that had been partially stuffed with lard.
  • My hair was limply plastered to my forehead in sweaty defeat.
  • Peeing was like going through the agony of labour all over again, except without the mercy of an epidural.
  • I’d never been so terrified of taking a dump before.
  • Wearing a garbage bag would have been more flattering (and offered more coverage) than my hospital gown, but by that stage I had already lost all dignity and could care less.
  • The hospital postpartum pads were no match for me and I was wearing granny incontinence underwear.
  • I could barely stand without flinching, much less walk in heels with a smile plastered on my face.

I can only conclude that Kate Middleton is a fantastic actress or she is not of this world. Either way, she’s certainly not doing us mere mortals any favours by setting such unrealistic expectations of what postpartum woman should look like.

I’m a twin mommy who will make you feel better about your parenting skills. Sign up for e-mail updates at the bottom of this page if you want to follow my journey into insanity. You can also follow me on Facebook.

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