Diary of a Sleep-Deprived Mom (Part 1)

8:12 p.m. – My husband and I have been rocking the twins for over an hour. We’ve done the whole bedtime routine thing like all the books say. SO WHY WON’T THEY SLEEP?

8:45 p.m. – Who needs gym when you can just rock your baby? My arms are about to fall off and I’m sweating like a kid on his way to Neverland Ranch.

9:12 p.m. – We’ve finally figured out their rocking preferences. Caitlyn likes figure eight movements in time to “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” Meanwhile, Scarlett likes the foxtrot with huge roller coaster-like dips.

9:24 p.m.- Why does Josh keep doing the waltz instead of the foxtrot? Can’t he get anything right? She’ll never sleep at this rate.

10 p.m. – I’m tired of singing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” I think I’ll try another song.

10:03 p.m. – Holy crap, Caitlyn has quite the pair of lungs on her. “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” it is, then.

10:22 p.m. – If I sing one more verse of this song I will go insane.

10:32 p.m. – Discovered that inserting swear words into the song helps.

10:48 p.m. – Woo hoo! The twins are finally asleep.

11:18 p.m. – Just realised it’s been four hours since their last feed. With our luck, they’ll wake up hungry any minute now.

11:21 p.m. – I knew it! FML.

11:45 p.m. – They’re done eating. Now to try rocking them to sleep again.

12:55 a.m. – Screw it. We’ll just drive them around until they fall asleep.

1:58 a.m. – Been driving for an hour now. Feel a sudden urge to weep.

2:15 a.m. – They’re finally asleep! We can start heading home.

2:23 a.m. – Darn it. Why didn’t we take the highway home? They keep waking up and crying every time we stop at the traffic lights.

2:43 a.m.- Resorted to driving really slowly every time we approach a red light so we don’t have to stop.

3:02 a.m. – They’re sleeping again. Will just drive around for another fifteen minutes to make sure they get into a deep sleep.

3.17 a.m. – Their breathing is regular and their limbs are limp. Think we’re finally safe.

3:22 a.m. – Little brats. Immediately woke up as soon as we pulled into the driveway.

I’m a twin mommy who will make you feel better about your parenting skills. Sign up for e-mail updates at the bottom of this page if you want to follow my journey into insanity. You can also follow me on Facebook.

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Teething Twins

I thought nothing could be worse than a teething puppy. I still have PTSD as I recall the way my dog used to sink her spiky little crocodile teeth into my arm and not let go. Not to mention the long list of items which she chewed her way through, including my iPhone, night stand, […]

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How To Bath Twins

1) Chase dog out nursery 2) Turn on the heat 3) Fill baby bath 4) Trip over dog, who has made her way back into the nursery 5) Gather babies’ clothes and bath items 6) Pick up twin A and stick a toy in twin B’s hand 7) Stop dog from trying to drink bath […]

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An Open Letter to my Boobs

Dear boobs, I know we got off to a rough start. Even though it wasn’t your fault, I’ve always held a grudge against you for being small. You’ll probably recall that my discontentment started at the age of nine when our (male!) principal awkwardly gave us fourth graders the sex talk, much to our bemusement. […]

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Twins Baby Registry Checklist

When I was pregnant I felt very overwhelmed with all the stuff I needed to buy for the twins’ arrival. I wished there was someone to guide me. So I’ve decided to put together this checklist in the hopes of helping other moms-to-be. It’s tailored for twins, but I’m fairly confident that parents of singletons will […]

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